Putting it into persepective.

I have just discovered that my ex's wife has died.

At 35 I have had a few ex's but this is The Ex. The one i spent three years with, lived with and then spent another three years getting over. We didn't part on bad terms but there was a fair amount of resentment (on my part), hurt and prolonged drinking and smoking binges. I had always blamed it on the age difference - he is younger than me - and hated him for being very immature about certain things.

We have had no contact in 6 years but his sister and I do speak from time to time. She got in touch recently to say she was getting married and we had a quick catch up. Now the deed is done I scanned her photos on Facebook to see what The Ex looks like now getting ready with the catty comments about hairline, waistline etc etc (incidentally, very little change at all except waistline and people in glasshouses...!) when i realised she had emailed me bringing me up to date with things.

I had asked her if The Ex had got married as I knew he'd been engaged for a while... i wasn't prepared for the response at all and it hit me like a punch in the gut. He had married only a month before his sister but his wife had died of cancer only 10 days later. Obviously they knew she was seriously ill but clearly had not counted on having only a short time of married life together.

I didn't know the girl, nor have i seen The Ex in 6 years but all of a sudden the tears started and wouldn't stop. I couldn't wish that kind of tragedy on my worst enemy least of all on someone I loved and cared about for a long time. In the space of 6 weeks he had his own wedding, the funeral of his wife and then had to stand and be happy for his little sister's big day.

I have a newfound respect for him and also it has put things into perspective for me. I don't know if I could have the strength to do that knowing what could be around the corner. Boyfriend isn't here right now, but all I want to do it hug him and make sure he's okay and forget about the trivial spats about untidiness and flooding the bathroom.

It's made me realise that the crap I went through in The Breakup and the things and time I lost in that period really don't matter. They're not important. You can earn more money, you can get another flat but you can't bring someone back when they are gone for good.

I'd like to call him to say how sorry I am for his loss but it's not appropriate and I know he has people around him that love him and who will look after him. So, for my contribution, this is where it stops. After today there will be no catty comments when I'm reminiscing with the girls over past loves. As far as I'm concerned we're back on a level playing field. He and I both made mistakes and said things we shouldn't have but he's done the thing I wanted him to do which was to grow up and take some responsibility. I think he's more than done that and I really wish that he hadn't had to have done it this way.