I got engaged determined that I wouldn’t turn into one of those Bridezilla-types and so far I think I’m doing okay.

Don’t misunderstand me, I’ve been to plenty of weddings to know what I would and wouldn’t like to have on ‘my special day’ … good god that phrase alone is enough to make a sane person want to hurl… but planning a wedding is like walking through a minefield of choices.

Boyf and I often talk about what we’d like, sorry, just realised I’m not allowed to call him Boyf anymore. The plethora of websites, magazines and wedding forums inform me that he is now to be referred to as H2B. Yes really. As in Husband-to-be. Anyone need a bucket yet? Good, then I’ll continue. So H2B and I … nope, can’t do it. He’s Boyf and that’s how he’ll stay until he graduates to Husb. Right, Boyf and I have discussed cakes, flowers, cars and all the usual stuff and you think you know what you’d like until you read a magazine or go to a wedding fair or log onto a brides forum and find out that nooooooo, you can’t possibly want a beautiful simple wedding with tasteful décor and your favourite people all around you. You don’t really want a nice wedding ceremony with music that means something to you followed by wine, food and dancing interspersed with your friends saying nice things about you both.

Apparently this is all wrong. What you really want is a wedding that people will talk about for centuries to come. A service with real passion and meaning, oh, and tears. Gotta have readings to induce tears. And vomit-inducing vows. What the hell is wrong with ‘for richer for poorer’ and all that? Okay, so I’m not so keen on the ‘obeying’ lark but I think they let you leave that out these days.

What you also really want is the releasing of doves (oh lord kill me now), chocolate fountains, photo booths (I kid you not) and colour co-ordinated EVERYTHING. Your invitations must match the reception décor, which must, in turn, match the shirts of your wedding band. The favours should be meaningful eco-friendly offerings made in a fair-trade commune on the Isle of Skye and delivered to you by carrier pigeon.

You will dance the first dance of your life in front of cheering friends and family, for which you will have spent a fortune receiving lessons from the camp/slutty/boisterous* one off Strictly Come Dancing (*delete as applicable depending on your budget) and whilst it seems great at the time, the wedding DVD will indicate that it was actually the most cringe worthy 3 minutes of your entire life… even if you live to be 100 years old.

But what worries me most is that all these magazines are making me believe that I should be doing all these things even though every bone in my body is screaming not to.

I’ve ordered a dress that I fell in love with the minute I saw it. It’s not your usual long flowing bridal dress. In fact, I don’t think I’ve been to a wedding and seen anything similar to it ever. It’s a bit different and a bit quirky, still very weddingy but just a bit more suiting to my personality. I’ve tried on cage veils as I’m not really a long veil person and they look fabulous. But 3 weeks on I’m being brainwashed into panicking that I’ve really screwed up quite badly. This is my chance to look like a princess, to wear something I’ll never wear like this again in my life. I’m supposed to ooze sophistication, class and be trussed up tighter than I can possibly imagine rather than be comfortable and a bit different. I’m having a real crisis – I’m not sure if I like my dress and I’m damn sure I don’t like the jacket I’ve ordered. Why the hell did I do it? Apparently this is normal (according to the forums of mental brides I have trawled) but I didn’t sign up for normal!

And then there is my chosen scent for the day. The special scent I will remember forever to remind me of the day. What the heck?!?!? I’ve never heard anything so mad. Yes ladies, according to the magazines (which are every bride’s bible over these coming months) you should have a special scent, a complete makeover, a hairstyle that will add 5 years onto your face and a groom so scared of looking scruffy he looks like he has a broom handle inserted somewhere the sun doesn’t shine.

I don’t want or have any of those things. I want to wear my usual perfume. The one I know smells good on me and not like some tarts boudoir. And our first song, well it’s just one we both really like. It’s not necessarily romantic and it certainly doesn’t appear on any ‘first dance’ list I’ve seen. I don’t want to obsess about what colour napkins will match the centerpieces and I don’t want glitter curtains dangling behind the top table. So does that mean I’m not really into my wedding? Does that mean Boyf isn’t the one? What am I doing? Should I be getting married at all? If I’m not an obsessive Bridezilla then am I a proper bride at all?

I guess I’d better log onto the forums and consult my bible to find out…

Something to look forward to...

Whilst browsing t'internet yesterday for some suitable reading or other for Boyf and my pending nuptials, I stumbled across this. I'm sure that many women would be appalled that this kind of literature still exists in print, I, however, think it's bloody brilliant!

A little part of my would quite like to have a go at this, but I fear my quick temper and inability to keep my mouth shut would have made me a most unsuitable wife during the 1950's. Shame though, they had great frocks then.

From 'Housekeeping Monthly' in May 1955

1. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

3. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

4. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.

5. During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

6. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.

7. Be happy to see him.

8. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

9. Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

10. Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.

11. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

12. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

13. Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

14. A good wife always knows her place.